A COLLECTION OF THOUGHTS AND EMOTIONS SURROUNDING LOVE AND LACK THERE OF ACCOMPANIED BY SOME PHOTOS OF ME IN A SEXY RED DRESS PHOTOGRAPHED BY SAGE EAST AT THE HOXTON IN LA.
I thought I knew how to love myself
Turns out I've been afraid of what fully loving her requires....
I wasn't requesting it. I wasn't getting it. Just purely accepting the given.
LITTLE MISS VENUS IN ARIES
Venus in Aries is a passionate and dynamic combination. People born with this configuration tend to give their all to their relationships, friendships, and passions. They are driven by emotion and often throw themselves into the unknown with gusto. In addition, they can be very independent-minded. Sometimes this can lead to difficulties accepting the love of others.
SO BASICALLY, IM A LOVER GIRL
Not only in romance but in my approach to my life's work.
I started 2024 living in a new state and within a few days I met someone new and I was ready to FALL. Timidly though. lol
I was very much over myself.. I mean In the span of the previous 5 months I had about 7 guys I was interested in.
Some lingered from before and others were new comers.
I pushed some away and I hoped for the others to stay.
11 years ago around this time, the super bowl and valentines day; I was preparing for my move to New York.
I was over and done with my depressed state of living being 19 In Portland Maine, no license or job just hopes and dreams to love my life.
I remember being interested in someone I met on tinder but he just wasn't trying to meet me in real life. I remember being so frustrated and over it.
He knew I was leaving which was probably why he didn't even bother.
Somehow, *eye roll* I seem to be in the same position today.
Wanting to date with all of the joy and fun assigned to it has always felt like such an impossible thing for me to get...
Like, how dare you want someone to try to impress you?!
How dare you want more than sporadic, unspecific, wyd texts?
How dare you not think that THIS is enough?
You know?
I think the worst part about wanting to fall in love is the imagination of it all and being let down. lol
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A DIGITAL JOURNAL EXCERPT
2:13 September 11th 2023
This is chapter 31.
In Chapter 31, I desire to
9:05am September 20th
To Find, have and keep a loving fun life giving relationship.
9:15pm Friday September 22nd
It feels like maybe the idea of me is what they want, but who wants to dig deeper?
Am I allowing myself to be seen as someone who wants to be known deeply?
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But let me make myself very clear ( I dont know when this became that lol but heres this video of Tracee Ellis Ross setting the record straight)
The Bathroom
The place we fall apart also holds us together.
This is meant to be funny lol
But also real...
Experiencing intimacy will one way or the other lead you into a bathroom forcing you to face yourself.
You look in the mirror either checking yourself out or checking yourself out of what just went down.
And when Its time to go, reality sets in and you return back to the part of yourself that only you know.
The part that only you have to deal with..
My body has taken score and I've lost another one.
I love staying in hotels, expeirencing the newness of the space. The enterior design, intentional details from the carpet to the art on the walls. And my persoanl favorite, the bathroom. I stayed at the Hoxton back in October and though I enjoyed every moment alone, i kept dreaming of what it would feel like to have a partner with me. Enjoying coffee in the morning, going to dinner at night. Sleeping in enjoying each others company before diving into our work day.
LOL imagineeee- I know you have
OVER THINKING SEEMS TO BE MY FAVORITE PASS TIME
Stress, anxiety, perfectionism, and negative thought patterns can all contribute to overthinking.
*a journal extract*
...I took the attachment quiz yesterday and my results read—-
“You have the anxious attachment style. This is one of three different insecure attachment styles (anxious, avoidant, and disorganized), and it has the potential to impact your outlook and actions in very distinct ways.”
Its all making sense now....sorta...kind of.
Apparently Im here to air myslef out
Im very comfortable with my sexuality but that doesn't mean I want to be sexualized.... alll the time..
Truth be told, Im self conscious about if I'm coming off too sexy. I feel like thats all they see..
In my mind I'm hot, silly and awkward.... I think I play it off well butttt
If I tried to flirt for real I would trip alllll over my words.
Its giving Awkward Black Girl.
This is one of my favorite episodes-
"Call me little kim...Cause I got a crush on youuuuuuu"
I HIGHLY SUGGEST YOU WATCH THIS ENTIRE EPISODE
OKAY, To Wrap this up
If you made it this far.
I want you to know that Its okay to want to fall in love.
Its in our human design.
Theres no reason to feel any shame behind it.
We live in a time where finding love isn't as simple and traditional.
Aside from my desire to find a significant other, I've been fulfilled by the significant amount of friendships I have cultivated over time.
The love they show me reminds me of the love I want in relationship with a significant partner.
Until then, I'll still be over here loving on love.
HAPPY VALENTINES DAY LOVES!!!
-RZ